An Honest Cover Letter

Dear Human Resources Officer at Fake Company,

I am excited for the opportunity to apply for the Office Assistant position.  The fact that the job posting did not require a Master’s degree, five years experience, and the ability to speak fluent Portuguese really induced my interest.  I have been looking to establish myself in the Las Vegas area since being placed here with the Witness Protection Program, and Fake Company appears to be an incredible fit.

 I have developed a large toolbox of skills which can accomplish goals for Fake Company immediately.  I am proficient in the entire Microsoft Office suite.  Using PowerPoint I can create excellent presentations, achieving the industry standard of 1 misspelled word per 15 words of text.  My ability to choose the most appropriate piece of clip art for any given presentation is 2^nd to none.  Whether you need a presentation composed entirely of meaningless buzzwords, or prefer to read long paragraphs directly from the slides, I can create it.

My skills don’t stop at the computer.  I am ready to take on the role of dealing with the public that is integral to this position.  I am comfortable dealing with any member of the public, no matter their level of intoxication.  I have mastered the facial expression of Zen-like tranquility needed to diffuse a customer’s rant about Michelle Obama’s plan to come in the night and take all of their guns.  Such rants are not a burden, but an opportunity to make a sale of Fake Company services.  I have also mastered the ability to not condescend customers who come in complaining of a defective product, though in reality they just didn’t read the instructions are attempting to use the product in ways that it was not even remotely designed for. 

Of course skills are not enough to be perfect for a job.  One must fit into the environment as well.  I am fully capable of operating in an environment where the guidelines, goals, and rules change constantly according to the supervisor’s mood.  In fact I can operate under a variety of management styles, ranging from total neglect to shouted threats of violence.  I can manage staff in order to achieve results.  I am aware of all regulations about breaks, including the additional 10 OSHA mandated breaks for smokers.

Thank you for your time and consideration, though I am aware the CEOs son has just gotten out of prison and is in need of work, so I probably won’t get this job.

Regards,

Prospective Employee

Image Credit: By Daniel Schwen (Own work) [CC BY-SA 2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons